Hi, we’re the Fine Brothers
Grab a bucket of Los Pollos Hermanos and a bottle of Shrayder Brow
We’re about to make sure you’re caught up and ready for the final episodes
By breaking down the first four and a half seasons of Breaking Bad
In one take
In under 8 minutes
Starting - NOW
It all began with a middle aged man and his tighty whities.
Hey, that’s just not any man. That’s Walter White: world’s best meth cook.
But before that, Walt was just a boring old family man teaching high school chemistry, and a part time car wash attendant.
His teenage son Walt Jr. suffers from cerebral palsy, while his pregnant wife Skyler suffers from being a “ball buster”
She’s not as bad as her klepto sister Marie who’s married to loveable DEA agent Hank Schrader though.
Walt’s life takes a turn for the worse after he’s diagnosed with inoperable cancer and given two years to live.
He bumps into his former student Jesse Pinkman, who’s a meth dealer.
To provide for his family before his imminent demise, They set up a meth lab in a Winnebago and Walt uses his science skills to create high quality meth.
After a run in with drug dealers Emilio and Krazy 8, Walt tries to gas them to death, and though Krazy 8 survives, Walt is able to bring himself to kill him too.
RIP Emilio and Krazy 8.
And Jesse learns a valuable lesson: If you’re going to break down a body with hydrofluoric acid, use a plastic bin! DUH!
Walt and Jesse need a meth distributor and enlist Crazy 8’s even crazier successor Tuco.
Jesse tries to make a deal with Tuco, and Tuco beats the crap out of him.
So Walt shaves his head, takes matters into his own hands. And, BOOM!
Heisenberg is born… and he’s a bad ass! [PUT ON HAT AND GLASSES]
All is well until Walt and Jesse run out of pseudo, a key ingredient for making meth.
They steal methylamine, an alternative ingredient, which gives their product a distinctive blue color.
This show is so educational!
Then a charred one eyed stuffed bear is found floating in Walt’s pool.
Wait, did you just move on to season 2?
Indeed I did! Walt and Jesse plot to kill Tuco after they watch him beat one of his head lieutenants to death.
RIP No Doughz.
Tuco kidnaps Walt and Jesse though and takes them to a house with his uncle Hector whose only form of communication is hitting a—
Tuco tries to kill Walt and Jesse but they escape.
Meanwhile Hank, who believes Jesse is Walt’s pot dealer, tracks down Jesse’s car, only to discover Tuco, and hank kills him.
RIP Tuco.
Hank is rewarded with a promotion in El Paso where he finds the severed head of a DEA informant that’s been strapped to a turtle bomb.
RIP Tortuga.
Walt’s family life is falling apart. His wife has gone back to work, has become increasingly suspicious of his secret activities, and his son wants to be called Flynn because I guess that’s a cool name?
Business isn’t any better. One of Walt and Jesse’s dealers is shot by a pre-teen gangster.
RIP Combo
Wait, which one was Combo?
And another is busted by not so undercover cops, in an effort to track down the mysterious Heisenberg.
Left without any options, Walt and Jesse enlist the help of criminal attorney Saul Goodman
When your Badger is captured by the Albuquerque PD, you better call Saul!
Saul gets an ex-con to pretend to be Heisenberg and take the fall and also hooks them up with a big time distributor, beloved Los Pollos Hermanos Franchise owner and ruthless drug kingpin Gus Fring.
Gus is reluctant to work with Jesse, who’s become a heroin addict thanks to his relationship with the B … From Apartment 23!
Wrong show. Her name is Jane.
Whatever, Jane acts like a B when she threatens to snitch on Walt if he doesn’t pay her and Jesse.
Which is why Walt lets Jane die when he discovers her choking on her own vomit after jesse and her were passed out from a heroin binge.
RIP B, I mean Jane.
Saul sends Gus’s head of security Mike to make sure Jesse isn’t connected to her death.
As Jesse grieves, Walt bonds with his newborn daughter Holly, whose birth he missed because of a drug deal.
And Skyler starts flirting with her boss Ted whom she discovers is cooking the books.
At least he’s not cooking meth.
She ends up leaving Walt whose cancer’s in remission after an experimental medical treatment
There goes that entire storyline and a major reason why we all started watching the show
And Jesse goes to rehab, which just about wraps up season 2.
Wait, what about the charred one eyed stuffed bear?
Jane’s dad is an air traffic controller distraught over his daughter’s death who accidentally caused two planes to collide spreading debris across Albuquerque including the bear DUH!
RIP 167 passengers.
Onto Season 3 with Tuco’s non-speaking, axe wielding twin cousins who are looking to exact revenge on Walt.
Gus stops them from killing Walt, even though Walt is on a cooking hiatus which is pissing Gus off.
Skyler is now aware of Walt’s notorious second cell phone and an influx of fat stacks, so she calls Walt out on being a drug dealer, asks for a divorce, and even fucks Ted!
Finally, Gus offers Walt mega cash and the greatest meth lab ever assembled and our old friend Heisenberg is finally back in the game
Walt, divorce papers freshly signed and ego as big as Kanye, leaves Jesse behind and is paired with chemistry enthusiast and self-proclaimed nerd, Gale Bet-ick-ker
Meanwhile Hank lets his obsession with finding Heisenberg get the best of him. He beats the crap out of Jesse who he suspects is connected to Heisenberg, and is forced to hand in his badge.
Worse, Gus gives him up to the twins for holding off on killing Walt.
During the battle, Hank gets shot, but is able to crush one twin with his SUV and blows the other’s brains out. Literally.
RIP Twin Cousins.
And RIP innocent bystander.
Walt and Skyler, who abandoned Ted, join forces to help pay for Hank’s medical bills and buy the car wash where Walt worked in order to launder the drug money.
Jesse ends up becoming obsessed with avenging the death of Combo’s killer which leads to the murder of Combo’s young assassin who just so happened to be the brother of Jesse’s new girlfriend Andrea which results in Jesse confronting the two foot soldiers!
RIP Andrea’s brother. And hold on, which one was Combo?
The two foot soldiers aren’t in the mood for Jesse’s whining and prepare to cap his ass too.
But before they pull the trigger, the kiddie killers are run over by a car driven by…
WALT?!
That’s right Walt has come back to save Jessie and tells him to “run”
Gus is none too pleased about all of this because Andrea’s brother and the two foot soldiers worked for him.
To prevent retaliation from Gus, Walt to kill the only person that could replace him … good old Gale.
Jesse rolls up to Gale’s apartment, holds Gale up at gunpoint, pulls the trigger … and … FADE TO BLACK!
Ugh, looks like we’ll have to wait until season four to find out what happened.
Jesse killed Gale.
RIP Gale, you didn’t deserve it!
Season 4 brings us into Jesse trying to stay clean while still cooking meth with Walt for a not happy about it Gus, who also has a little problem.
Crystal obsessed Hank is hot on his trail!
Hank has finally snapped out of his crippling depression that we decided to skip over because it was horribly boring, after discovering that Heisenberg is back on the scene.
He even ropes Walt into the investigation by asking him if he can figure out who the W.W. is in Gale’s notebook.
Hank even jokes that it could be Walt!
Jokes on you, Hank!
Meanwhile, the Mexican cartel has beef with Gus because he defied orders to kill Walt.
So Uncle Hector, you remember Uncle Hector right? Well turns out Gus and Hector used to work together and hate each other.
Long story short, Hector and Gus’s bad blood results in a massive shootout
RIP a lot of dudes
But Gus and his head of security Mike are saved by Jesse, who Gus has been taking under his wing to turn on Walt.
And on the other side, Walt is telling Jesse that Gus is the enemy and gives Jesse ricin to poison him.
Jesse proclaims his allegiance to team Gus, let’s Walt get fired and even puts a gun to Walt’s head after Gus says it was Walt who poisoned Andrea’s son.
Saul meanwhile feels caught in the middle of the Gus/Walt War and gets the hell out of dodge and takes a trip to the Altered State of Drugachusetts.
Um, wrong show.
Before he leaves, looks like Saul’s boys accidentally kill Ted after Ted tries to blackmail Skyler even though she gave him $600,000 to help cover his debt to the IRS–
Who cares about Ted? Get back to the drug wars!
Jesse discovers his cigarette which was used to conceal the ricin capsule is missing, and Walt convinces Jesse that it was actually Gus who poisoned Andrea’s son!
Enraged, Jesse helps Walt plot to eliminate Gus once and for all.
Walt concocts a plan with Hector but we aren’t sure what, and we see Hector going to the DEA.
Gus finds out, and thinking that Hector is a rat, goes to kill him with a lethal injection, but Hector rings his [RINGS BELL] and boom goes the pipe bomb.
RIP Hector. RIP Gu—
Wait! Gus is still alive!
WHAT?! REALLY?!
Buuuuut half his face has been blown off.
Ok … Now he’s dead.
RIP Gus.
And RIP meth lab, which is torched by Walt and Jesse.
Oh, and by the way, it was Walt who actually poisoned Andrea’s son.
That ruthless cold hearted bastard.
Which brings up to Season 5! Or at least, half of it.
Walt, Jesse and Mike attempt to salvage Gus’s meth business.
They learn the police seized Gus’s laptop and Jesse comes up with using a magnet to destroy the laptop.
YEAH BITCHES! MAGNETS! Oh!
Problem solved!
Meanwhile, Ted—
Not him again
Didn’t actually die but Skyler does manage to put the fear of God in him and he promises to keep his mouth shut.
Also keeping his mouth shut, suicide victim Herr Schuler
RIP Herr.
Herr was an executive at Madrigal Elektromotive who’s being investigated for its involvement with Los Pollos Hermanos.
Afraid that her co-workers will rat on her, another Madrigal executive Lydia asks Mike to take out anyone that was involved the chicken chain’s side business.
He turns her down because she’s insane.
What I find insane is how much time this show spends on new terrible characters!
Mike insists that his former Madrigal associates get a cut from the new business in order to keep them quiet which pisses Walt off.
Walt does however come up with the brilliant idea of teaming up with exterminators to cook meth in fumigated houses.
And so the Vamanos Pests era begins!
And nearly ends when they run out of methylamine
How are they going to fix that?
YEAH BITCH! MAGNETS! OH!
No, they’re going to rob a train, DUH!
The plan goes off without a hitch minus the tarantula obsessed juvenile witness their new associate Todd kills.
RIP Kid
Didn’t Todd also kill that dude who tried to rape his girlfriend?
Um, wrong show!
Jesse can’t deal with the death of another kid and quits the biz, again.
And with the feds on his ass, Mike decides that he’s ready to retire, but the feds get his lawyer to snitch on him.
Walt finds out Dan squealed so he warns Mike, but ends up killing Mike.
RIP Mike
Breaking Bad, killing the best characters and wasting time on terrible new ones.
Walt gets the names of Mike’s associates from Lydia and has them killed along with Mike’s rat lawyer.
RIP Associates and rat lawyer
Lydia brings Walt’s blue meth to the Czech Republic resulting in an avalanche of fat stacks for Walt, he gives Jesse a share of the bounty, and finally capitulates to Skyler and stops cooking.
Looks like he’s home free, that is until Hank takes a crap in Walt’s bathroom and reads Walt’s copy of Leaves of Grass
He notices the book is inscribed by G.B. to my other favorite W.W.
Hank remembers the initials G.B. and W.W. from Gale’s notebooks
And holy Hank’s crap … he knows that Walt is Heisenberg.
So now you’re all caught up with the show.
Be sure to watch the Season Five part two premiere THIS SUNDAY to find out what happens next.
Will Hank give up Walt?
Will Jesse stay clean?
Will Skyler be less annoying?
Will half faced Gus rise from the dead for a crossover episode with The Walking Dead?
Guess we’ll all find out soon!
In the meantime, I have some cooking do.
Why did you take off the suit?