Hi, we’re the Fine Brothers
And consider yourselves warned!
Throw on your orange onesies and grab your shivs!
We’re going to be spoiling everything from the first season of Orange is the New Black.
You’ll be all caught up for Season 2 on June 6th after watching this recap, in one take, in under 7 minutes.
Starting - NOW
Meet thirty something Piper Chapman.
Piper is engaged to struggling writer and one time Pie Lover, Larry Bloom.
And makes artisanal soaps with her pregnant best friend, Polly.
Piper’s life is far from clean though, as she pleads guilty to a money laundering scheme from 10 years ago.
FLASHBACK!
In those days, Piper was dating Donna - i mean - Alex Vause, a mysterious drug dealer.
Piper fell in love with Alex and became her money mule, smuggling cash.
Alex gets caught and Piper abandons her.
Alex ultimately rats her out for a shorter prison sentence 10 years later causing Piper to plead guilty in order to lighten her own prison sentence.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
Her past lesbian relationship surprises Larry, but he thinks their relationship will survive through prison. Larry’s such a good guy!
So Piper, along with prison newbies Daya and Watson, get escorted to their cells by Morello, a quick talking New Jersey-an inmate obsessed with marrying her fiance who never visits.
We also find out everyone in prison goes by their last names, and newbies wear orange jumpsuits.
Goodbye Piper, hello Chapman.
After getting their pictures taken by Prison Guard George Mendez aka Pornstache, and the new guard John Bennett, Daya gets slapped by another inmate who turns out to be her estranged mom!
They’re in the same prison? WHAT A COINCIDENCE?!
Chapman meets her bunkmates including Nichols, and struggles to adjust to prison life.
Prison counselor Sam Healy is willing to look out for Chapman and be her friend…as long as you don’t talk about making jail friends or lesbian activity.
At lunch, Chapman meets Red, captain of the kitchen and, in another life, ex-Captain of the Federation.
Chapman doesn’t realize she’s the chef and disses the prison food in front of her. BAD DECISION!
Red returns the favor by serving Chapman a BLOODY TAMPON SANDWICH!
On top of that, Chapman notices an inmate who looks familiar… turns out it’s her old flame Alex!
They’re in the same prison? WHAT A COINCIDENCE?!
Things get even worse when Chapman gets starved out and no one wants to help her for fear of Red’s wrath.
Why would anyone be so afraid of a prison chef?
FLASHBACK!
Red and her husband used to own a restaurant frequented by well-connected Russian “businessmen” and she is forced to hold secret packages for them.
However, she comes up with an idea to help the Russians by suggesting they launder money through a different means, which we can only assume landed her in jail.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
Larry visits Chapman, and tells her it’s gonna be okay.
Gotta love that Larry!
Things may get better as Chapman discovers Red has a bad back and uses her soap skills to make a lotion that will help her.
Chapman is helped by Crazy Eyes and she delivers it to Red, Placing Chapman in Red’s good graces. Good thing Chapman met Crazy Eyes!
Her name is Crazy Eyes, I’m sure she’s SUCH a good person.
Well, not exactly, Crazy Eyes wants to make Chapman her prison wife, or as she says, her Chocolate and Vanilla Swir, irl, and follows her around everywhere.
But hey, at least Chapman has new blend-in-with-the-crowd prison garbs!
Crazy Eyes requests to be bedmates with Chapman, but Healy denies it.
Instead, Chapman gets set up with the feared Miss Claudette.
Why is she so feared though?
FLASHBACK!
Claudette ran a house keeping company, frequently visited by friend slash potential love interest Baptiste.
One of her employees gets abused on the job, so in retaliation, she kills the perpetrator.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
Crazy Eyes gets pissed off and does what anyone who’s been scorned by a potential lover would do… PISS ALL OVER HER FLOOR.
Chapman starts helping the inmates with appeal letters, which along with a letter from Baptiste, inspires Miss Claudette to have her case reviewed.
Chapman’s become so focused on prison life that she blows off a business opportunity with her bestie, ruining her chances in the soap business.
And at this point we better introduce you to Pennsatucky, a god-fearing meth addict, who’s had quite the dark past.
FLASHBACK!
Pennsatucky’s had several abortions and after feeling disrespected by her doctor, shot him dead.
She’s praised by an anti-abortion group as a pro-life hero and ends up thinking she’s an agent of Jesus carrying out his will. Totally harmless right?
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
Prison Guard Bennett has started secretly sleeping with Daya after he turns down her mom’s sexual advances.
Daya and her mom have quite the interesting parent-daughter relationship don’t you think?
Here it comes again!
FLASHBACK!
Daya’s Mom was a serious contender for negligent mom of the year award, and they were both messing around with the same drug dealer. DRAMA!
Loooong story short they both have ended up in prison.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
And back to Chapman who is warming up to Alex thanks to Larry telling her Alex didn’t turn her in even though he found out she really did, but he wanted to protect Chapman’s feelings.
Damn that Larry is such a super guy!
Back in prison, Healy starts up the Women’s Advisory Council, a group centered on discussing inmate issues directly to the higher ups.
Chapman doesn’t want to be on the council, but Healy appoints her anyways, and Penssatucky who wanted to be on it, harasses Chapman but Alex comes to her aid.
Meanwhile, Pornstache wants to expand his drug smuggling ring in the prison and tries to pressure Red into letting him use her food smuggling connections, but she refuses.
With Pornstache focused on her, Red neglects Miller, who goes through withdrawal and ends up in solitary confinement.
Wait, who’s Miller? There are so many damn inmates!
FLASHBACK!
Another one?!
ALWAYS! She used to live on the streets and “borrows” things from people, but keeps a list so she can pay them back one day.
Only problem is, that doesn’t really hold up in court.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
Nichols doesn’t like the way Red is treating Miller so she spills Red’s smuggler’s name to Pornstache.
[whispering] Neptune Produce, which may be tied to Red’s Russian connection.
And they used to be SUCH GREAT FRIENDS! Wanna know how great of friends?
Oh god, not again.
FLASHBACK!
Nichols had a bad relationship with her absent mother, which led her to drug addiction.
After landing behind the clinker, Red became a sort of mother figure helping her through withdrawal.
BACK TO THE PRESENT!
And back to Larry Land. He’s finally hit it big with an article about living with a wife in jail that is terribly titled, “One sentence, two prisoners.”
No Larry! You’re supposed to be such a super guy.
Back in prison, Chapman and Alex have been flirting and share a very sensual dance, which gets ratted on by Pennsatucky to Healy.
Healy throws Chapman into solitary confinement. He even calls Larry to tell him what happened!
FRIENDSHIP OVER!
48 hours later, Chapman gets released, and the first thing she does is have sex with Alex!
Soon after, the prison has a youth Scared Straight program over and Chapman plots against Pennsatucky.
She alerts her about one of the disabled Scared Straight attendees and convinces her to “heal” the kid with the powers of god she claims to have.
Or in other words, push her out of her wheelchair, which gets her a one way ticket to the psych ward.
Meanwhile, Larry’s story gets broadcasted through the prison, and pretty much makes it apparent that he knows Alex and Chapman are back together.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL!
Then, Larry tells Chapman that Alex was the one who turned her in after all.
SHIT JUST GOT REALER!
Larry demands he and Chapman get married immediately.
Wait, why would he want that?
Because that’s the logical thing to do after finding out your fiance slept with her old drug dealer lesbian girlfriend in a jail church…DUH!
Chapman breaks up with Alex, choosing for marriage with Larry.
But Larry finds out through Alex that Chapman initiated their fling so he axes the engagement.
Around this time, Chapman starts feeling bad about putting Pennsatucky in the psych ward and helps her get released. BAD DECISION!
Chapman gets threatened in the shower by Penssatucky AND HER SHIV and they end up meeting in the yard for a final showdown!
Hold on, we’re just focusing on the main character, before we wrap the season up, what’s going on with the other inmates?
Oh right, Remember Miss Claudette? Well, her appeal is denied and she attacks a guard, throwing her into maximum security.
Pornstache pressures Miller to sell his drugs to the inmates that he’s now smuggling in. Miller ends up ODing on the drugs, and Pornstache hangs her body to look like a suicide.
GOD! We HATE that moustache! and him!
Miller’s death brings Red & Nichols back together, as they vow for revenge on Pornstache.
Bennett finds out Daya’s pregnant with his baby and Red & Nichols use it to their advantage by having Daya sleep with Pornstache to get him fired by reporting him for rape so Bennett doesn’t get fired for the pregnancy.
Pornstache gets caught with Daya…buuuuut he only gets suspended. Despite everything it seems that Daya and Bennett are going to stay together.
Red’s smuggling operation is finally uncovered, resulting in her top chef position being stripped and her plan to take it back misfires, literally.
And Remember Taystee? Well you couldn’t because she, like many other inmates didn’t make it into this recap, but she’s granted parole, finds life outside jail isn’t better, and commits a crime to go back to prison.
Chapman fights Pennsatucky and gets slashed, igniting her inner-Hulk!
She mounts Penssatucky and beats the living hell out of her!
A BADASS ENDING TO A BADASS SEASON OF THIS BADASS SHOW!
Will Chapman and Larry get back together?
Why is Alex only appearing in SOME episodes of Season 2? WHY GOD?!
Is Pennsatucky dead? Hopefully?
Will there be a That 70s Show or American Pie crossover episode?
We’ll find out on June 6th when-
“ALRIGHT INMATES! LIGHTS OUT!”