Hi, we’re the fine brothers
And consider yourselves warned
In honor of the upcoming 4th of July Holiday here in the United States, we’re about to spoil 50 war movies.
Starting with films based on the revolutionary war
In one take
In under 3 minutes
Starting now
DRUMS ALONG THE MOHAWK – They defeat the Indians.
THE PATRIOT - Benjamin gets revenge for his 2 dead sons and helps defeat the British.
THE SCARLET COAT- Andre is court martialed and executed as a spy.
MUTINY– Waldridge causes a mutiny, at the end redeems himself but drowns, and the captain orders his death go on record as dying with honor in battle.
THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES – Wales rides off with Fletcher, ready to give chase.
SHENANDOAH– Sam and Boy survive but James Jacob and Ann are killed.
COLD MOUNTAIN- Inmin and Ayda reunite, he gets killed, then Ayda has his baby and lives on in Black Cove.
GLORY- Captain Shaw and his regiment show courage but are killed. Are these all going to be this depressing?!
THE RED BADGE OF COURAGE– Though unarmed, Henry leads a charge and defeats the Confederate army.
GODS AND GENERALS- Stonewall Jackson dies just like in real life, who woulda guessed it!
GETTYSBURG- The North wins, just like in real life, who woulda guessed it!
THE GENERAL- Johnny warns the South, they fend off the North, and he is promoted to lieutenant.
RIDE WITH THE DEVIL- Jake and Sue leave for California while Daniel heads to Texas and lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
SGT. YORK- York becomes a national hero, is awarded the medal of Honor, and lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
THE BIG PARADE – Jim survives but loses his leg, he and Mehleesahnd end up together and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
DOCTOR ZHIVAGO- If you’re able to make it through this three hour plus film, the doctor and Lara die, and Tonya is implied to be their missing daughter.
PATHS OF GLORY- The 3 Soldiers are unjustly executed.
GALLIPOLI- Frank can’t get back in time and Archy is killed.
GRAND ILLUSION- De Boeldieu sacrifices himself for his friends to escape the prison camp.
HELL’S ANGELS- Roy is executed by the Germans but the British attack on the German front has successfully begun.
THE DIRTY DOZEN- The Dirty Dozen become the Dirty Three as only Wadiswa, Posey, and Sawyer survive.
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA- Sighgo survives and the letters were from Japanese soldiers to their families buried by him in 1945.
THE PIANIST- Szpilman survives.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN- Ryan, Ryben, and Upham are the only survivors of the battle, and Shakespeare in Love beat this for Best Picture which is bullshit.
ENEMY AT THE GATES- Konig is killed by Vassilli, and after Stalingrad is liberated, finds Tania at a hospital.
THE THIN RED LINE- Witt is killed by the Japanese.
RED TAILS- The Red Tails are finally recognized by the U.S. army for their talent, which couldn’t be said about this overhyped film.
TORA! TORA! TORA! – The declaration of war didn’t reach the US until after the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor and Admiral Yamamoto fears they have awakened a sleeping giant.
DAS BOOT- Almost everyone including the captain die.
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS- The soldiers who held the flag all live sad lives except for Doc, who never let anyone know he was considered a war hero.
A BRIDGE TOO FAR– Operation Market Garden fails and less than 2000 of the men escape.
THE GREAT ESCAPE- 76 prisoners escape the camp but only Danny, Willie and Sedgewick make it to safety.
STALAG 17- Prince is a spy, is used as bait, and is killed to help Sefton and Dunbar escape the camp.
EMPIRE OF THE SUN- Jim escapes the prison camp, reconnects with his parents, and World War II ends.T
MASH- Hawkeye and Duke are discharged, but, hey, at least we got an awesome TV show out of this film!
PORK CHOP HILL- At the last minute, American forces reinforce the hill.
WAR HUNT- Endoor is shot and killed by his own men and the orphan runs off.
FULL METAL JACKET- Many men die and Joker mercy kills the sniper who turns out to be a young girl.
WE WERE SOLDIERS- The Americans are airlifted out of the Landing Zone which is taken over by the North Vietnamese and Hal Moore returns home safely.
BORN ON THE 4TH OF JULY- Ron decides to start protesting in Anti-war movements after being paralyzed in Vietnam.
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM- Twan is the one behind the terrorist acts against the army and Robin Williams leaves Vietnam.
THE GREEN BERETS- Many men are killed but they succeed in removing the North Vietnamese general.
3 KINGS- All the soldiers are cleared of the charges. FINALLY! A HAPPY ENDING!
JARHEAD- The war ends with most soldiers never firing a shot. Back home Troy breaks up with Kris and Troy dies.
LONE SURVIVOR- Marcus, the only survivor in his unit, gets saved! The title kind of spoils the movie even without us spoiling it.
GREEN ZONE- There were no WMD’s in Iraq and Miller sends the proof to all the news agencies around the world. Someone’s getting fired!
THE KINGDOM- Al ghazi dies in Flurry’s arms and both sides whisper “we’re going to kill them all” and the cycle of violence shall continue.
IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH- Mike was killed by his fellow soldiers and cut into pieces.
LIONS FOR LAMBS- Arian and Ernest are killed by the Taliban.
GRACE IS GONE- And finally, John Cusack finally tells his daughters that their mother, his wife, has been killed in Iraq.
Wow. That was the most depressing spoiler episode ever.
Next time we should spoil more cartoons.
Yeah. good idea.